Toxic Attachment: Are You in Love or Just Emotionally Addicted?

Love is a beautiful and fulfilling emotion that everyone deserves to experience. Sharing your best moments with someone, feeling truly loved, and seeing the way they look at you can be incredible. However, love is often mistaken for other emotions. Some people believe they are in love when, in reality, they have become emotionally dependent on the relationship. Instead of a healthy connection, they develop toxic attachment, where they become addicted to the situation rather than truly loving the person.

What is Toxic Attachment?

A person experiencing toxic attachment is not truly in love with their partner but rather addicted to the dynamics of the relationship. They convince themselves that their emotions are genuine, yet, without realizing it, they are clinging to the relationship out of fear and dependency. This subconscious self-deception keeps them trapped, unable to recognize the unhealthy cycle they are in.

In a toxic attachment, the person is drawn to their partner not because of love, but because of the negative emotions their partner triggers. At first, this might seem confusing—why would anyone be attracted to negativity? The answer often lies in deep-rooted psychological patterns formed through childhood traumas, past relationships, unresolved conflicts, or personality traits that make them seek familiar but unhealthy dynamics.

For example: Imagine someone who instinctively ends relationships the moment they feel truly loved. As soon as they sense genuine affection, their mind equates it with the end of the relationship. This pattern often stems from unresolved childhood issues.

Now, picture this same person in a relationship where their partner barely shows affection. They receive minimal care, attention, or interest. Their partner doesn’t ask about their day, doesn’t get jealous, and seems emotionally distant.

For many, this would be an obvious red flag, leading them to walk away. However, for someone prone to toxic attachment, this becomes an addictive challenge. Instead of leaving, they become fixated on earning their partner’s love, trying harder each day to gain attention and affection.

They may start overcompensating—buying gifts, sacrificing their own needs, taking an extreme interest in their partner’s life, or even giving up their personal hobbies just to feel more connected. Over time, this deepens their dependency, making them jealous, insecure, and intolerant of time spent apart.

As the cycle continues, conflicts inevitably arise. What once seemed like an exciting pursuit turns into constant arguments over the same unresolved issues. Both partners feel trapped in a toxic cycle of pain and frustration, leading to an inevitable breakup.

Are You Really in Love, or Is It Toxic Attachment?

Now is the time to ask yourself: “Am I truly in love with my partner, or am I stuck in toxic attachment?”

Think back to moments in your relationship when your partner showed genuine love and affection (if that ever happened). How did it make you feel?

For many people trapped in toxic attachment, expressions of love and positive attention don’t bring happiness. Instead, they trigger discomfort, doubt, and even a desire to pull away. Why? Because their subconscious goal is the pursuit of love, not the experience of it. Once they feel they’ve “won” their partner over, the relationship may suddenly feel empty—like finishing a difficult video game and realizing there’s nothing left to achieve.

But what if you’ve never truly received this kind of love from your partner? If that’s the case, ask yourself:

Is my partner genuinely happy when spending time with me?
Do they invite me to share their interests and activities?
Do they make an effort to spend time with me?
After some time, do they introduce me as their partner, or just as a friend?
Do they consistently prioritize others over me?
Are they open to my help, or does my support make them uncomfortable?
Am I always the one initiating dates and quality time?

If you answered “no” to most of these questions, yet still feel deeply attached to your partner—even though they don’t show love in return—you may be experiencing toxic attachment, not real love.

At this point, it’s crucial to reflect on the future of your relationship before it causes deeper emotional harm. The longer you stay in a toxic attachment, the more pain it can bring in the long run.

If you or someone you know is struggling with these issues, I can help as a Dating & Relationship Coach. Book a call with me using the link below, and let’s work together to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.